Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Manopause

At a certain time in any woman's life, her fertility marks its demise through various symptoms. These include hot flashes, irregular cycles and taking offence when daughters feign intellectual disability. My mum is a pretty ace lady. She works, has popped out two children and it only took her three and a half years to figure out how to turn the telly on without assistance. She doesn't need help on the whole menopause front. She's a woman. Women can handle that shit.

Men however, cannot. It was no shock when Dad began complaining about the heat, I thought he was aiming to prove the existence of global warming. What I did not expect was the stomach pains, weight consciousness and sudden interest in the plot of Brothers and Sisters- which, by the way, is as much of an emotional roller coaster as menopause itself. I've heard of sympathy pregnancy- in fact I often get a chuckle out of the image of my dad singing to his inflated belly- but sympathy menopause has never been on telly, so of course I had no way of knowing it existed.

After much consultation with other dad-havers*, it has become apparent that my situation is not an isolated incident. Universally, dad's are struggling with sleep deprivation, mood swings and general grumpiness. I'm not sure if this phenomenon is a mid-life crisis for those who think that it is poor taste to drive a red sports car whilst wearing leopard print or is just sympathy for the women in their lives. I'm likely to believe the latter. I mean, Dad has achieved offspring of this calibre... Crisis averted.

Having come to the conclusion that Dad was going through sympathy menopause for Mum, I thought I'd show him some support and get some sympathy symptoms of my own. I stormed through the house yelling about cleaning products, cried during Australia's Got Talent and began** eating twice the amount of food anybody should ever consume. Judging from the response I received, Dad was after no moral support. Bloody trooper.

This is for Dads; the silent sufferers. May your phantom uterine pains leave as quickly as my dignity did when I mentioned watching Brothers and Sisters.






*Read: one conversation with a friend.
**Read: continued.

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