Always Greener
My neighbour bought a swimming pool,
So I bought a swing.
My neighbour talks quite frequently,
So I learnt to sing.
My neighbour bought a little dog;
I bought a Great Dane.
My neighbour planted fields of wheat;
I learnt to process grain.
My neighbour bought a second dog,
So I had a second child.
My neighbour got a cold one day,
So I up and died.
The Gluttonous Goldfish
The goldfish Graham sat
At the bottom of his tank.
He’d eaten so much yesterday
To the bottom he had sank.
His lovely owner Isabelle
Fed him every day
She wanted him to dance for her
She wanted him to play
But all he did was lie around
And wait till he was fed
So she gave him all the supplements
That popped into her head.
One day she gave him caffeine
And eighteen little sweets
He ate them all with gusto.
She then gave him cured meats.
After he had finished,
He felt his tummy burst
And as he died, he gurgled
“I’d have danced for liverwurst”
The Wrath of Randy
Randy was a robot.
He was programmed to be cross.
His mantra, announced daily
Was “RAN.DY. IS. THE. BOSS.*”
He had no formed religion
He never understood
Why people would not serve him
Because he thought they should.
He saw them care for trees
He frowned a metal frown
Then Randy got quite angry
And burnt the trees all down.
He saw them feed their animals
And some big, fat, greedy fish
So he planned to kill them too,
Then he could get his wish.
For people to serve him,
He’d have to kill each one
So he’d find them in the water…
And have a little fun.
Randy was a robot,
In the water, he jumped in.
He forgot he would short circuit
Showing; robots should not sin.
Buzz
Penny lay about all day,
She longed to sleep;
But not to play.
She went to lie beneath a tree,
And went to sleep
From ten till three.
She woke to see a small black fly.
This fly he flew,
He flew so high.
As he flew down,
She sat up
And watched him on a
Buttercup.
A breeze then blew.
The fly flew south.
And popped into
Her open mouth.
Inventory
The lunches cost five thousand.
The suits then cost 3 more.
The ceiling was repainted;
We reorganised the floor.
The finance manager makes
Ten thousand every week,
But if you count embezzlement,
I beat the little geek.
The lunches cost twelve hundred.
I stole my boss’s suits.
My cousin did the ceiling;
I paid him in beetroots.
The lawyer came to meet today,
She has a stunning fee.
She better get me off this charge,
It better be tax free.
On the Table
Petra was wheeled quickly
To the operating room.
In the lobby waited anxiously
Her soon-to-be bridegroom.
The scalpel cut her open.
Then she was stitched back up.
She was wheeled back to her bed,
To eat a jelly cup.
Her bandages were set
To come off in a month
To show her face in public
Would be quite truly uneath.**
Eventually in time,
The bandages were stripped
And out from underneath came her
New nose, pointy tipped.
The Birds & the Bees
The bird and the bee
Sat up in the tree
And peered in each other’s eyes
Said the bird to the bee
“Well darling, really;
I thought you’d be more into flies.”
Said the bee to the bird,
“My love, have you heard
That flies do not have your brains
I was really more worried
That you would have flurried
For my house floods each time it rains.”
The bird was so flattered.
Her fears had been shattered.
The bee seemed to love her back.
The bee continued,
“My love, I need you.
That, and you’ve got a great rack.”
*Said in robot voice
**Month rhymes with uneath (a very obscure and now archaic word meaning 'difficult' or 'not easily (borne, or done)'
The poem ‘Buzz’ refers to sloth, 'Always Greener' to jealousy, ‘The Gluttonous Goldfish’ to gluttony, ‘Inventory’ to greed, ‘The Wrath of Randy’ to wrath, ‘On the Table’ to vanity and ‘The Birds & the Bees’ to lust.
So there you have it kids. The seven sins really are deadly!
